THE CHEF FROM HELL

In which we chronicle the World Food News of the past week through the day-to-day adventures of Frank and Marge, America's favorite suburban consumers from the Long island region of Littleburg, New York. 

  JUNE 24

After Frank had finished eating a couple of racks of baby back ribs, he turned to Marge and said,"Honey, if you're going to the mall today, please buy me a new fez to wear to my next lodge meeting. For some strange reason, my old one doesn't fit anymore." "Oh, Frank! Don't tell me your head's getting bigger again!"

From the Pure Pedantry site: "Did cooking allow for the increase in human brain size? Richard Wrangham, a Harvard primatologist, has been pushing the idea that the expansion Homo erectus' skull size was the result of additional energy released by cooking meat. What spurred this dramatic growth in the H. erectus skull? Meat, according to a longstanding body of evidence."

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  JUNE 25

As Frank and Marge enjoyed their dinner at The Blind Donkey, their favorite restaurant in Littleburg, Frank noticed something on his blackened catfish fillet. Scraping away the spice residue with a fork he saw the phrase "Made In China" emblazoned on the fish fillet. "Wow," said Frank to Marge, "this stuff is imported!"

From the FoodConsumer.org site: "In an announcement released on June 28, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration said all shipments of farm-raised catfish, bas, shrimp, dace (related to carp) and eel from china will be detained at the border until it's proved that these products are free of residues of certain drugs that are not allowed for use in farm-raised aquatic animals in the United States."

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  JUNE 26

Frank gagged after taking a big gulp of his Chairman Mao Soda. "What the heck are they making this stuff with anyway? " he wondered.

From the Forbes.com site: "In an admission of the widespread nature of food safety problems in China, the Chinese government said Wednesday that it had shut down 180 factories and revoked 37 processing licenses of food makers for using dangerous chemicals... The illegal ingredients used included mineral oils derived from the processing of petroleum, paraffin formaldehyde and the carcinogenic malochite green, a synthetic dye used to color fabrics. Local horror stories include ducks fed an industrial dye so they would lay eggs with red yolks, turbot containing carcinogenic residues, and soy source, the major seasoning in Chinese kitchens, fermented from human and animal hair at small factories in Hunan province."

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  JUNE 27

Marge cursed loudly and kicked the side of the outdoor solar cooker that Frank had bought her last Valentine's Day. Rushing around the backyard, she desperately hoped she could finish cooking Frank's dinner before the sun went down.

From the Alt Free Craft Blog:

"I cooked my first meal in a homemade solar cooker today - it was a broccoli cheese casserole...By the time I had the box constructed it was late afternoon already and I was running out of sun time. Solar cookers are being used in refugee camps in Africa and Thailand, where wood fuel is hard to come by but sunshine is free and abundant."

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  JUNE 28

Frank stood in the supermarket fondling the package of Veggie Booty Snack Food. "Mmmm, booty," he mused, "that sounds sexy!"

From the InjuryBoard.com site:

"The FDA has issued a warning not to eat the Veggie Booty Snack Food marketed by Robert's American Gourmet, who has issued a recall of all the product, all lot numbers and expiration dates nationwide."

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  JUNE 29

Frank licked his lips and stared at the side of beef the three waiters had placed on his table. "Frank," Marge whispered, "you don't have to finish that..."

From the eDiets.com site:

"For those who dine out frequently, here is a tip: 'Chefs are not counting calories, so beware of how much of the food on your plate you are eating.' It's no secret that Americans are getting bigger, but so are the portions we are being served. Most restaurants are offering portions two to four times larger than the average person should eat."

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  JULY 1

After Frank and Marge had decided to go "green", they had ordered a dozen of those neat looking Kelly Green Sweatswirts that were made from South American composted vegetable scraps. Although the cost of the sweatshirts, along with the overnight shipping charges from Bolivia, had put quite a dent in their monthly family budget, he felt it had all been a worthy effort in support of an important cause. "Hey Marge, which one should I wear to the big Earth Day concert next Saturday?"

From the New York Times:

"Buying Into The Green Movement: ...some 35 million Americans regularly buy products that claim to be earth-friendly...Critics question the notion that we can avert global warming by buying so called earth-friendly products, from clothing and cars to homes and vacations, when the cumulative effect of our consumption remains enormous and hazardous...It's as though the millions of people whom environmentalists have successfully prodded to be concerned about climate change are experiencing a Snack Well's moment: confronted with a box of fat free devil's food chocolate cookies, which seem deliciously guilt free, they consume the entire box...Paul Hawken, an author and longtime environmental activist, said: 'The fruit at Whole Foods in winter, flown in from Chile on a 747...it's a complete joke..."