THE CHEF FROM HELL

Dear Diary:

It has been 6 earth years since I have been marooned on this strange planet called Earth.  Although, my ship and communication devices have been disabled for some time, I have made a determined effort to assimilate into the human population and gather information for those who will follow me.

While I have mastered most aspects of how these earthlings live, such as patterns of speech, methods of dress and the strata of entertainment these creatures indulge in, I have found the most disturbing facet of this feeble civilization to be the food it eats.  Oh the horror!

Early on in my stay here, I discovered some of the bizarre foodstuffs that these creatures enjoy.  One item, which is called a Hot Dog, reminds me of the sort of material we use to insulate our dwellings on my home planet, Omega 9X-11.  How would I describe this "hot dog"?  Let's see-- it's a long tubular object with a tough hide which is apparently best enjoyed at sporting events while yelling nonsensical language and swilling down a liquid substance called Beer.  While I found this "beer" to be vile at first taste, it eventually became a regular part of my daily intake.  Oddly, as a result of this liquid consumption, the human form I have adapted now has a pleasant protuberance hanging over the belt of my pants.  As I notice many males in the human population sport this look, this can only help me blend in with the crowd.

Another food item that is popular with these humans is something called Pizza, a round cylindrical object that is cut into triangular discs before consumption, is slathered in a viscous red sauce and then bombarded with a gooey substance called cheese.  In its melted form, this "cheese" reminds me of my cousin Hoopta.  Ah me, that alien was two pounds of meteor dust in a one pound bag!  Tee hee screeee!

While my human brain pan still reels at the thought of some of the "food" I have had to ingest, I've discovered some nourishing items that are to my liking.  Listed below are the items that I believe will play a major role in providing sustenance for my people on this primitive planet once we conquer the human race:

• Shoe Polish -  While the humans smear this pasty substance on their walking units, I find it makes a wonderful in-between meal snack.  Particularly when it is used as a dip for metal screws.  Simply delicious!  I have found a good source for this edible-- Marty's Discount Shoe Outlet -- and look forward to shopping there in the near future.
• Doorknobs -  These round metallic objects are curiously used to open portals to the living spaces that these humans inhabit.  I find they are a true delight when boiled slowly for at least 8 earth hours and then capped neatly with some engine lubricant, such as WD-40 motor oil.  If you want to kick things up a notch (as that human on the video image box says), make a mock hollandaise sauce and then thin it out with 2 TBS of ammonia.  Your guests will sing your praises!
• Automobile Tires - While these pathetic humans are content with antiquated modes of transport, I do find that the coarse rubber that makes up the tires on their "cars" to be an excellent choice for grilling.  Take a slab of this vulcanized rubber, marinate it overnight in a copious amount of codliver oil and then give it 3 hours on an open fire and one would think they're back at a fertility dance on good old Omega 9X-11!

While the above list is of an abbreviated nature, I'm sure I will continue to discover new foodstuffs for the coming invasion of Earth.  Until then, Dear Diary, what does a fella have to do to find a good restaurant in this town??  Tee hee screeeeeeeeeeeeeee!