THE CHEF FROM HELL

Hello my little friends!  I am Chef Shaboo, a wise seer from the Kitchen in the Great Beyond!  Here are my predictions for the future!

In the year 2008...

The Travel Network will debut a new talk show featuring Anthony Bourdain, Rosie O'Donnell and Iggy Pop which will be called Cooking With The New Three Stooges!  Each week, viewers will thrill to the sight of Iggy smearing chunky peanut butter on his chest, Rosie wrestling audience members to the ground and Tony drinking an entire case of Carling Black Label beer!  Sadly, the show will be cancelled after 6 episodes when Bourdain dishcharges a glock pistol during the taping of an episode and in the process shoots off Rosie's right ear lobe!  Due to an outcry of public sympathy, Rosie will be hired by Verizon in an attempt to revive its "Can You Hear Me Now?" ad campaign.

Rachel Ray will have a number one pop music hit with the song, "Evoo On My Mind"!  The ditty, a crude adaptation of the Ray Charles standard "Georgia On My Mind", will cause widespread rioting in Tahiti when it is discovered that the word "Evoo" means "All Praise The Dark Beast" in tahitian dialect!  Ray, in an attempt to downplay the bad publicity, will quickly release a rap version of "Little Brown Jug" sung in Swahili!

In the year 2009...

Former President George Bush, having cleared the last of the brush on his ranch in Crawford, Texas, will be named the new Director of Food Safety by the Chinese govenment!  President Bush, who will somehow manage to set fire to the Wall of China during his six month tenure as Food Safety Director, will step down from this position after okaying the production of Oleomargerine to include crude oil as an ingredient!  "Dang right I did that.  It's called Oil-eeo margerine, ain't it?"

And what of President Bush's former better half?  Dick Cheney will still be having problems adapting to life as a private citizen.  He will be arrested at the Manhattan eatery, Nobu, after shedding his clothes and running through the kitchen screaming, "You fools! I am the real naked chef!  Not Jamie Oliver!  It's me!  I am the naked chef!"  Cheney's aides will dismiss the incident as the result of the "rich" food served at the restaurant.

In the year 2010...

Fading ingenue actress, Lindsay Lohan, entering drug rehab for the 12th time in the last two years, will decide her future lies in cooking!  Upon her release from the Betty Ford Clinic, she will publish a popular cookbook titled Rehab Recipes: How To Cut the Crap and Cook.  The success of the cookbook will result in Lohan opening a new restaurant in Los Angeles called The Monkey On My Back Cafe which will feature Lohan's signature dish Hopalong Injected Salmon; a dish in which the fish is injected with liquified hemp!  After two weeks of operation, the restaurant will be forced to close when the police raid the premises and find a meth lab in the basement!  In her later years, Lohan will own and operate a Taco Bell in Atlantic City with her long standing business partner, Paula Abdul.

A new trans-fat nostalgia craze will sweep across the south western part of the United States.  The Six Flags amusement corporation will quickly open Fatty World, a 2 million acre recreational park in Dallas, Texas.  The most popular attraction will be the Hot Zeppole ride during which stunned customers are dunked in a batter and then tossed into a gigantic fryolater for 30 seconds!

In the year 2012...

Internationally funded food scientists will invent edible grass suitable for consumption by human beings!  Touted as a way to end world hunger, many governments will adopt the slogan "Let Them Eat Grass!"  Bobby Flay will seize the day and open Lawn Gone, the world's first restaurant with a grass based menu.  The restaurant will close suddenly when Anthony Bourdain, while shooting a segment of his long running tv show No Reservations at Flay's eatery, is killed in a bizarre lawn mower accident.

Scientists will begin to reveal the long term effects of consuming genetically altered food.  Published reports will indicate a 25% loss of taste bud function in humans who regularly eat these foods along with the fact that their right index fingers tend to shrink by 2 inches!  Rachel Ray, who will become one of the leading advocates of eating genetically modified foods, will suffer the loss of her hair after participating in a bizarre promotional stunt in which she high dives into a pool into a pool of genetically modified eggplant puree!  She will eventually turn her baldness to her advantage by becoming the new spokeswoman for the Mr. Clean product line!

A mutant virus will infect the American population and cause the average citizen's intelligence to drop by 50%!  Scientists will trace the origins of virus to contaminated food products imported from France.  In addition to making people as dumb as fence posts, the disease will also cause the average American's nose to grow to 3 feet long!  In a surprising political development, George W. Bush will be elected to a third presidential term while running on the Pinnochio Party ticket!

In the year 2014...

Genetic scientists will discover that Alzheimer's Disease is cause by excessive consumption of nouvelle cuisine!  Such novelties as foie gras tacos, cheese whiz creme fraiche, cavia infused beef jerky and 35 course tasting menus will become things of the past as many hungry people return to their culinary "roots"!  Consumer response to this startling revelation will cause "free range" bologna to become the number one dinner choice in the civilized world!

A new lifestyle change will sweep across America in which people eat with their feet!  Yes, folks will no longer use their hands to feed themselves as the world continues to get more complicated.  In a time saving effort, many people will take classes at local chimpanzee schools in order to learn the art of eating with one's feet, thereby freeing their hands up to do computer work, change channels on the tv remote, tickle their spouses and pick their noses. 

My old friend Criswell used to say, "We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives!"

My crystal ball is getting cloudy now so I must go!  Until we meet again, my little friends, this has been Chef Shaboooooooooooooo!