THE CHEF FROM HELL

Hello my little friends!  I am Chef Shaboo, a wise seer from the Kitchen in the Great Beyond!  Here are my Celebrity Chef predictions for 2008!

In a bizarre twist of events the Food Network will purchase the Arabian broadcast conglomerate, Al Jazeera and produce a new cable channel called The Food Terrorist Network!  Some of the exciting new programs will be Pie'd! (Ashton Kutcher travels the globe throwing custard pies at unsuspecting celebrity chefs), Easy Entertaining in an Iranian Prison (Michael Chiarello offers up easy recipes to charm your cell mates), and It Crawled Into my Hand...Honest! (Alton Brown thrills viewers with unusual cooking techniques for genetically modified foods).  Other shows in the fall line-up will include an exciting new series called Ghosts In My Kitchen! Each week the ghostly spirits of Julia Child, Craig Claiborne and Pierre Franey will suddenly appear in the kitchens of unsuspecting suburban families as they struggle to prepare a sit down dinner for 25 people!!

The Fox Network will leap into the fray with So You Think You Can Cook. This quirky series will feature ordinary folks preparing food in odd locations while under great stress.  The first episode will showcase several Soccer Moms from Idaho trying to cook Macaroni & Cheese for a large Boy Scout troop and Chef Tom Colicchio.  The only catch will be that they have to prepare this meal in the galley of a submarine while cruising at 10,000 feet below the surface of the Polar Ice Cap!  The episode will also feature suprise cameo appearances by Rosie O'Donnell and Peanuts, the talking Dog.

Chef Gordon Ramsay will be arrested for stabbing one of the hapless contestants during an episode of his hit show, Hell's Kitchen!  Although Ramsay will be acquitted in the sensational trial that follows, his career as a celebrity chef will be over.  Strangely enough, Ramsay will return to fame within a year of this bizarre incident as a much-in-demand corporate motivational speaker.  He will go on to record and release a best selling self-help compact disc titled You Stupid Donkey! which will feature such riveting Ramsay rants as "Your Brain is a rotten piece of Jello--Get Out!", "If You Give Me All Your Money, I Won't Kill You!" and "Your Bloody Pants Are On Fire!  It Serves You Right!"

Rachel Ray will appear on Broadway in a revival of the classic musical, A Chorus Line.  Ray's insistence on presenting the musical as a one man show will cause the production to close after only two performances.  Immediately following this professional mishap, Ray's management team will quietly announce the cancellation of her major motion picture debut Yum-o, which was to be based on the Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho.  Ray will scramble to maintain her career with such upcoming television shows as 2 Minute Meals and Bargain Buffets On 10 Cents A Day!

Vince McMahon, the renowned WWF promoter, will join forces with several famous celebrity chefs to present wrestling bouts at Madison Square Garden in New York.  In an effort to present something new and different, McMahon will have the chefs wrestle food instead of each other!  Some of the highlights will be Mario Batali taking on a giant pan of lasagna, Giada De Laurentis in a steel cage match with several Mississippi Mud Pies and Emeril Lagasse going ten rounds with a frozen turkey.  Bobby Flay, originally scheduled to participate in this exciting event, will decline to appear when he is told he will not be allowed to wrestle himself!

In related celebrity chef entertainment news:  Several celebrity chefs, unaware that the rap music craze has faded in popularity, will form a rap group and attempt to tour the United States and Canada.  Featuring the unlikely musical talents of Bobby Flay (kazoo), Mario Batali (cheese grater & tambourine), Cat Cora (lead shake dancer), Alton Brown (turntable) and Tom Colicchio (lead rapper aka "Bald Mutha"), the group will be pelted by heads of bok choy during their first concert in Seattle, Washington.  An irate Donald Trump, whose company sponsored the tour, will try to fire the entire audience during this show but when several rowdy Food Network fans set fire to his limousine he will withdraw his financial support and leave town in a huff.

During the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China a new freestyle event will be added to the festivities---The Celebrity Chef Ladle Toss!  Participating in this spirited event will be such food establishment luminaries as Ronald McDonald, Alice Waters, Elsie the Cow, Graham Kerr, Mrs. Butterworth,  The Jolly Green Giant and Das Evoo, a Rachel Ray impersonator from Russia.  Paula Deen will be disqualified for tossing her ladle at some irate hecklers in the stands!

My crystal ball is getting cloudy so I must go.  Until next time, my little friends, this has been Chef Shabooooooooooooooo!